In Part 4, I asked two questions in an attempt to stimulate a dialog:
“My question would be is pleasing your husband a priority in your life?”
and
“How much are you willing to be the wife your husband thought he married?”
Of course, almost every wife considers pleasing her husband to be a priority in her life. That question was really a set-up for this post. You know many of your husband’s preferences in many areas. You know his favorite foods, favorite sports, favorite shoes, favorite jeans, favorite television shows, favorite music and so many other favorite things. You try to prepare his favorite meals, watch some of those boring sports shows with him, make sure his favorite clothes are clean, and try to make it possible for him to indulge in his favorite routines during his non-work hours. If you are like my wife, you often place his comfort before yours. You’re all so good to us, often better than we deserve. So, what could I possibly have to write about then?
There is one area where some of you can be unwilling to cater to our preference; one area where you may not know us as well as you think you do or should.
You don’t visually share your bodies with us.
Actually, it’s not always that you don’t, and not all of you that don’t, but that you often won’t, even if you would like to or want to. Perhaps you haven’t from day one, or perhaps your lack of willingness has developed over time after constant weight gains, the birth of children, a medical procedure, a long-past betrayal of some sort, or the inescapable effects of gravity and age, or past abuse leading to feelings of low self-respect resulting in low self-esteem I pointed out in Part 1 the difference between the two:
self-respect: n
a proper sense of one’s own dignity and integrity
self-respectful , self-respectingself-esteem: n
respect for or a favourable opinion of oneself(Source: Collins English Dictionary)
If something brings us joy, pleasure, or pride, we want to share it with others. We can’t wait to tell them all about it or show it to them. It is the unpleasant, unsatisfying and “ugly” we want to deny and hide. We do not want to advertise our failures or shortcomings, especially if they have to do with our bodies, male or female.
How many wives feel this way?
As a woman, your inner dialog may go something like this: “You may be able to look at me in my clothes and accurately determine that I am overweight and which parts of me are disproportionate in size or shape, but they are still masked. You are not staring at them laid bare and I am not wounded by what I feel to be a disapproving look. Behind your stare, I cannot feel or accept the longing and desire that prompts your wanting to see my body, but only feel shame and disgust for what I feel is my lack of perfection. How can I parade about naked and vulnerable in total physical and emotional exposure to please you and give you the pleasure you want? How can I find pleasure in doing that?”
Imperfection is not something we desire to let be seen, let alone to flaunt it.
Flaunt:
to show (something) in a very open way so that other people will notice.-Merriam‑Webster
to parade or display oneself conspicuously, defiantly, or boldly–Dictionary.com
to display proudly or show off.-Vocabulary.comto go out of your way to display something.-Dictionary.com
to display (something) ostentatiously, esp. in order to provoke envy or admiration or to show defiance.-Google definition
How many of you parade or display your body before your husband? How many of you do it openly, proudly, boldly, defiantly, conspicuously and ostentatiously? How many do it an a way to provoke the attention and admiration of your husband? How many of you flaunt your sexuality and your body?
OR
How many of you have let Satan or social pressure keep you from flaunting your sexuality and body with your husband? How many of you have let the world pervert your feelings and attitudes about the intimacy God intended to be a source of delight and pleasure between you and your husband? God intended each mate to be their spouse’s only source of such delight and pleasure. Are you available to him to be that exclusive source?
Desire fulfilled is a tree of life
For most women, flaunting is a pretty tall order. For most men, that is what they desire though. That’s the woman they thought they married. They were marrying their Eve, whom they saw in their mind’s eye as naked and unashamed. She may have appeared a little shy, but then perhaps she was actually only being a little coy. She was confident in her appeal to him. She knew then she wasn’t perfect, but she also knew her Adam wasn’t either. She also knew her Adam was mad about her and she would do almost anything to please him. She felt sexy and desired when he pursued her; pursued her above all others. Well, of course, a present-day wife may argue. Why wouldn’t the first Eve feel desired? She was the only game in town. There were no “all others” Adam needed to worry about “forsaking.” True, but allow me to present another side of that observation. How much more should you, present-day wife, feel desired when you alone have been pursued, wooed and won above all others? All others.
Song of Solomon 6:8 (TLB) I have sixty other wives, all queens, and eighty concubines, and unnumbered virgins available to me; 9 but you, my dove, my perfect one, are the only one among them all, without an equal!
Song of Solomon 4:7 (TLB) You are so beautiful, my love, in every part of you.
The apple of this Adam’s eye.
Today’s Adam has an abundance of potential Eves to choose from. Today’s Adam has access to a plethora of absolutely stunning visual representations of “perfect” female forms, with perfectly made up faces and perfectly coiffed hairdos and wearing clothing that shows their best features to full advantage. They are present in all forms of visual media.
In my early teens, I once tore a hair color ad from the back of a magazine. It was a highly retouched photo that looked more like a pastel rendering. The model was an absolutely adorable blonde girl-next-door with a kind of page-boy thing going on with her hair. She was my heart’s desire. Thereafter, the bar was set pretty high by my fantasy girlfriend. My first acknowledged girlfriend (as in not a crush object admired from afar) was indeed a blonde with similar hair…and braces, and zits, and small breasts and wore hardly any makeup and was very short. What was I thinking? I was thinking she had a sweet personality, was fun to be with, didn’t intimidate me and thought I was all that and a bag of chips. She was my first. We were never intimate in any way. I was much too introverted and shy for that. It only lasted the school year since neither of us drove and she lived about 15 miles away. Being the sentimental pack rat I am, 12 years later and 5 years into my then marriage, I still had a little green metal tackle box containing all the notes she had written me and a school photo of her. I never really dug them out and read over them, but I couldn’t seem to part with them. And yeah, my wife knew about them. It was never a problem for her, probably because she knew she physically had a lot more going on than Sharon from my past ever did. If anybody ever read them again, it was that wife, though she never told me if she had.
My point is, although I had a face and form fantasy I was pursuing with that magazine photo folded into my wallet, I fell for the inner beauty and confidence of Sharon who fell for me, and probably pursued me too. I was the tall, strong silent type. As a result, I was vulnerable to any girl who would show an active interest in me. That’s how I met the then wife who looked only like my by-then-well-creased fantasy girl by virtue of her blonde hair, which was proved to be about the only thing virtuous about her. But, that’s another story I may never share. If Sharon and I had participated in any form of sexually intimate contact, I might be married to her today. Why would I make such a sexist comment? Because I want you to know it wasn’t sexual interaction that drew me to her, or kept me there. The confident soul of Sharon kept me, not the body and sexuality of Sharon. It was the distance and graduating from high school that ended our first-loves relationship.
Frankly Speaking and being honest, our wives’ beauty and body types were the first attractors that drew our attention. We were first attracted by their physical presence: motion, body, and face. First we LOOKED. Then we listened. I don’t know of any man who first listened with his eyes closed while he decided whether or not to invest time in establishing a relationship. I feel certain that females react the same. For a woman, it first may be how tall is he, but after that it is what does he look like? It’s what both sexes do. I make no apologies for acknowledging that harsh truth. It’s not that we don’t see the great personality, intelligence, sense of humor, kindness, and other desirable personality traits, but they aren’t first.
Accepting the reality of that truth is the first step in adjusting to the visual nature of your husband, how it affects your relationship and in overcoming body image issues, and not just in the bedroom. Your body is a constant companion in all you do and where you go. Your attitude toward it will influence your wardrobe, how you carry your body, and the confidence with which you conduct your life day-to-day.
Why is taking control of how you feel about your body so important? As adults, we are mature enough to both realize and admit that sexuality plays a very big part in our relationship as husband and wife. That is how God planned it.
1 Cor 7:9 (NIV) But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
As to our sexual desire and shared duty they are addressed in 1Cor 7:2-5, and 1Cor 7:9. As used in this translation, duty is not promoting what we today call “duty sex.” It is saying a wife and husband have a obligation to sexually provide for each another because of the exclusive nature of he marriage covenant.
Song of Solomon 4:12 (TLB) My darling bride [or husband] is like a private garden, a spring that no one else can have, a fountain of my own.
Because of this exclusive arrangement, there should be no shame in acknowledging or addressing our desires as Christian brothers and sisters.
What do those verses have to do with body image issues?
The blog, Hot, Holy and Humorous is written by a female who authors under the name of “J”. She wrote a post “6 Things I Love about Being Married,” in which she said in part,
“6. He sexually rocks my world. I’m still in awe that I get to sleep next to a totally hot guy… From getting to look at his beautiful body…“
I was intrigued by her comment since it seemed to address body image from the other side of the coin. So I asked her,
Dan March 27, 2014 at 11:00 am
“I am doing a series on female body-image issues (well, trying to at least) and found this comment interesting. I was wondering if you allow your husband to feel and do the same, or dost thou protest too much?…So many wives seem to be unwilling to accept that their husbands find their bodies appealing…I am curious about how you feel since you are a pro-sex CMBA blogger.“
She replied to my comment with this:
J Post author March 28, 2014 at 12:08 pm
“Interesting question, Dan. I should probably write about this specifically. I even checked my answer with my hubby first to make sure he agreed (and he did): My answer is absolutely. I feel like my body is totally mine, but also totally his.”
“But honestly, it has taken a long time to get to that level of comfort and intimacy. Even though my body probably (…okay, definitely) looked a bit better when I was younger, I wasn’t as open with it then. Now I understand much better that how my husband and I view each other’s beauty is so wrapped up in our whole relationship, and our marriage is now at such a good place (wasn’t always) that we’re mutually generous and appreciative about our bodies with one another.“
In Part 3 of this series, my sister blogger Robyn of Up With Marriage left this comment:
I used to have serious body image issues. Interestingly (and oddly) as I age and mature, they are disappearing. I know part of this is just the wisdom of age. But a larger part is the growing of faith in God and accepting how He made me in all my … ‘uniqueness’. Also, that my body literally doesn’t belong to me, but to Darrell. This is what brought the most freedom.
The words in red in the above comments directly espouse the directive given by Paul in 1 Cor 7:4 (TLB):
“…for a girl who marries no longer has full right to her own body, for her husband then has his rights to it, too.”
While in green, they echo Psalm 139:14 (NASB):
“I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well.“
J went on to create a post, “Getting Comfortable Being Naked with Your Husband” based on the question I asked her. I strongly urge both husbands and wives to read it as well as the sometimes encouraging and sometimes heartbreaking comments and replies. This issue is as much about the emotional and spiritual condition of the marriage relationship and the self-esteem of the wife as it is the physical condition of the wife’s flesh.
I realize there are many reasons why you wives may feel hesitant about visually pleasing your husbands and that many of those feelings arise from sources external to you. You may be receiving discouraging messages from the media, friends, family members or even your husband; messages which may be hurtful and damaging to your self-esteem. Being confident, courageous and proud under those circumstances can be very tenuous and challenging. In times like that, use prayer as a weapon against the evil that is trying to destroy the intimacy in your marriage. Pray for a change in the hearts of your detractors, and a change in your heart toward them…and also toward yourself and your body. Don’t be tempted to fall back into denial which would not meet with God’s design for your marriage and the intended intimacy between you and your husband.
Wives and husbands know and do this:
Proverbs 31: 30-31. 30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,…
Don’t hate your body or feel shame over it. You are wonderfully created. It is not perfection of the body that makes you sexy and desirable. It’s confidence that makes you sexy. In my life, I may have admired many a well-formed body, but it was the personality and confidence of the woman in it that made her sexy, desirable and sensuous. Frankly Speaking, that’s the God’s honest truth.
As is my policy, Robyn’s comment is used with her express permission as are the excerpts from J at Hot, Holy and Humorous.
This post was revised by the author on 1/10/2019. It was edited for typos and clarity.
Frankly Speaking 
Dan,
Great article!
There are probably many women out there that need to really listen and believe their husbands. When he tells her he’s turned on by her body, she needs to accept that fact. My hubby told me this when we were first married. He sat me down and seriously dealt with me on this issue. He ended up telling me that I’m that million dollar babe (according to him) and that I would just have to accept it.
That was a long time ago. Since that time, I had to just accept his point of view. He would turn ON the bright lights, repeatedly, during lovemaking. He did it again last night! Who does that, right? I think all men want to see their wive’s bodies. It’s the way God designed them. I’m thinking, “Thank God for those rose-colored glasses. May he never take them off.” In reality though, my dad and I had a very good relationship. He walked on water, through a daughter’s eyes. I was Dad’s favorite. That relationship gave me confidence to accept compliments.
What has been the result of this confidence from first my dad, and then my husband? It’s been an awesome relationship. My dad has since passed, but now I have a wonderful connection with my hubby. I believe that every single wife can have an awesome connection with their husbands. We have to let go of the notion that our bodies are inferior in some way. Who says anyways? Sure, there are husbands who speak out loud, here on the net, that their wives are fat. They truly are the losers. They are missing out on having a connection with their wives that could be parallel with Christ and His church. They need to figure it out or lack the rest of their lives. Reread that last couple of sentences again, so you can let it sink in. Oh, by the way (to the husbands who call their wives fat), I am a plump size 16 who was size 22 for two decades. I rock my husbands world and he never called me fat…ever. I have the most fantastic walk-in closet with color coordinated outfits for my husband’s eyes. I dance with desire, in part, due to my husband’s response to me. Take that to the bank (basically to the husbands who call their wives fat).
I’ve really enjoyed your series on body image, Dan. Thank you for letting me express my opinion too.
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Thank you for sharing with us. You have helped fulfill my mission and purpose with our blog: to encourage a safe place for an honest dialog with husbands and wives over relationship and intimacy issues while Frankly Speaking. See how important you and your opinion are here?
From 22 to 16? Good for you and your health. Got no problem here with 16/18. If you keep that up, let us know when you are having a walk-in closet yard sale so we can all pick up some husband pleaser bargains.
I know you will have the hard to find orange for TN vol fans.
Thanks for hanging in there for Part 5. It was quite the ordeal for me to get a handle on it. I took a month when most of them take a few days at the most.
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So you want to go to my garage sale…heehee. You’d have to drive all the way up to the Midwest. Just think of the gas money and time to get here. I actually have bought outfits at garage sales myself, around here. I will tell my hubby, ahead of time, that he can playfully rip off the outfit if he wants. Have at it big boy! I consider it a great 50 cent investment in our marriage.
I love Frankly Speaking. We need to talk. Nowhere else in my daily life do I hear about sexual matters with the exception of my hubby, of course. Keep up the good work.
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Dan, that is a hell of an article. I think you honestly think about what you are writing more than most of us. I must agree with you, confidence is a massive attractant. But I will admit that the first thing I saw of my wife were her eyes. I’ll never forget that moment. Eyes boring into me. I was totally done in by them. Irrevocably.
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Yeah, but Art has all the fun. Thank for for appreciating the effort. I have days invested in it. Four hours last night alone. They may not all be gems, but like Martin Luther is reputed to have said at the Diet of Worms, “Here I stand. I can do no other.” Even when they come easy, they don’t necessarily come fast. If people are going to take the time to read and comment, I owe them my best effort. That post has been a month in the making. Focusing it wasn’t happening until I made that suggestion to J and the firestorm of comments happened on her blog. After that, it had a direction.
Yeah, “her eyes.” It really does begin with the physical when in their presence. I admit it is possible to fall in love with a phone voice or an internet personality in some cases, but their beauty captures our eyes first. What a romantic you are. Thanks for hanging in there. The ladies need to know what we have to share. I need more guys here for balance.I am not “all” men.
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You put a lot into what you do, I highly respect that. I’ll try to balance out the numbers as I can, my friend.
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So does this mean you are going to bring “fun” to our little blog here? 🙂 Tough job but someone has to do it. I’m way to lazy to do fun.
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I will do my best…. no guarantees on the level of humour though. I should really get Art over too, he has many strong opinions (and great humour).
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Art’s aware but this is not the type of blog he frequents and, having a blog now, I can see how he has little time to spread himself around outside of his own backyard. No pressure here. I wasn’t really seeking out a joke-meister as much as letting you know you have license to keep me honest if I sound like I’m backing down when I should be stepping up.
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Hi Dan, I haven’t read J’s blog that you referenced yet (or the comments), but thought I’d put my 2 cents out here… I had always felt good in my body in front of my husband for the first couple years, but then I got pregnant. During the pregnancy he stopped the normal touching, and wasn’t initiating. I asked about it and he blew me off. If I thought my body wasn’t attractive to him then, well, it felt hidious post partum! We had sex, but have gone months… I think 8mos at one time. 4 kids later, and 8 yrs of marriage later I can tell you I don’t want to be naked in front of him. I’ve tried to really initiate and make things better, but if he hasn’t wanted to touch me, why would I undress in front of him? I totally get the visual nature /male nature thing– but in my experience I don’t know that my husband wants to look at ME. I’m still a size 14, and was a 10 when getting married but my youngest is just 9mos. I’m hoping to get back in shape but I don’t know if I’d be ripping my clothes off for him now even if I were a size 8!
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So very sorry to hear this. Since I know little about you at this point, I am going to make some general comments that you may have already heard, but we have to start somewhere
First, it is not unusual for men to be less sexually aggressive when their wives become pregnant. You may have noticed this happening with each subsequent pregnancy. For many men, when their woman becomes a mom, it can change how they respond to them sexually. Especially if you breastfeed (“Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”), he’s now forced to continue to share your body with the baby after months of doing so already. Up until then, your body was HIS playground and source of pleasure exclusively. When the husband has to begin time-sharing his wife with the children, that also changes the dynamic. I am not defending or making excuses for him, just citing circumstances that may be at play. This has now happened to him four times in 8 years and the youngest is just 9 months. You are just now starting the cycle all over again, especially if breastfeeding. Don’t not breastfeed to appease him of course. His turn at the breast will come again. Has he figured out what’s causing these random pregnancies yet? Perhaps you need to see a doctor. 🙂
My point isn’t to excuse him, but to propose how this particular cycle could have had a cumulative effect. Add to that other marital issues that introduced sore spots in the relationship and you can see where there could be an ebb and flow effect taking place over the years that exacerbated things.
“I asked about it and he blew me off.” That certainly presents a problem in solving the problem. I am wondering if he did “blow” you off, or if he simply wasn’t in touch with how he really felt or lacked the necessary tools to adequately express himself. If he doesn’t know how to or is uncomfortable with expressing his FEELINGS, he may have seemed to blow you off, when he just didn’t KNOW what to say or HOW to say it. Often times we don’t always give deep thought as to how we feel when we have a problem, men in particular. Men are also predisposed to not consider feelings, but look for “reasons.” They may say “I would like to see you naked body more,” but not associate that with any particular feelings as to how seeing or not seeing it affects them. As in, “I feel refused, rejected, hurt, excluded, offended, insulted, disrespected, excited, overjoyed, accepted, affirmed, desired, pursued, wanted, blessed, approved, bonded” or whatever. An expressive vocabulary and the use of it is not our strong point, unless there’s a game, and even then the variety of expression can be limited. Ask again and throw some prompts out there. You may find you will prime his emotional pump. NO. Not that one.
“If I thought my body wasn’t attractive to him then, well, it felt hidious post partum!” Sorry Abby. This is more about you, than him. Sure, how he acts and what he says will affect you. Ultimately though, you are responsible for how you respond. It is true that those who are supposed to love us are capable of causing the deepest pain. But what if someone you had no respect or care for and whose opinion you did not value made a negative remark. You could easily and quickly find a reason to discount or disregard it. Whether it had any truth behind it or not would almost be a point of not concern. They would just be full of crap and who cares what they say. The point is, you evaluated what they said and chose a response that you could accept and that soothed you. You can do the same with any negative remarks your husband makes or thoughts you have. You can choose another response. You don’t even have to accept the truth in a negative way, but use it as an agent of change.
“…but if he hasn’t wanted to touch me, why would I undress in front of him?” I’m going to go out on a limb here since I lack a lot of back-story.
There is a big difference between “not” touching you and “not wanting” to touch you. How do you know he doesn’t “want” to touch you. Because he hasn’t? When we, well the better behaved we anyway, first start dating one another, we can’t wait to get our lips and hands on each other but refrain. Because we don’t want to? OR Because we first exercise some proper restraint and second we are unsure of how we our actions will be received. So, is he “not” or “not wanting?” The reasons behind either will be very different and you have to begin with knowing why he isn’t touching you. He may want to very much.
“I don’t know that my husband wants to look at ME. I’m still a size 14,”
But you do know that he doesn’t? OR Are you assuming that he no longer find your naked body a turn- on in spite of four children to prove otherwise? By the upper case “ME”, I am getting the feeling you feel or know he is looking at other women, not necessarily lusting, but definitely looking and this is a source of hurt, especially under the current circumstances. Though he should try to curb this behavior, don’t read too much into it if you have no reason to suspect him acting out with other women. I am not saying you should be overly accepting of it as part of his male nature, just to not let it reinforce that you feel he has not desire for you or appreciates you body. A lot of guys ogle the Corvette in their fantasies, but buy and drive the the lower maintenance and more dependable Impala. In the end, they see where the true value lies. “So my value lies in being non-demanding, willing to settle, and always there for him.” Not at all. What that means is your value is grounded in knowing and doing what it takes to be the best wife, lover and mother you know how to be. What man doesn’t want a girl like that on his team?
“I’m hoping to get back in shape but I don’t know if I’d be ripping my clothes off for him now even if I were a size 8!” First, do it for you and you alone. Do it for your own health and well-being, and hoping won’t make it happen. Make a plan. More importantly, make a plan you can live with, Don’t set yourself up for failure. Small changes over time can give big results over time. It will be difficult with four kids, but not impossible. If you stumble, try not to stay down too long. Get up and just start over. I may be wrong, but “I don’t know if I’d be ripping my clothes off for him now even if I were a size 8!” tells me when you get there, nothing is going to hold you back. You cant wait to show him what he’s been missing and I’ll bet he can’t wait to see it. Size 14 or 8. You go girl! Keep us posted on how things are going. I suggest this blog, http://girlsbeinggirls.wordpress.com/category/health/, and also this one, http://delightfuloak.wordpress.com/, where Jenny, a mother of 3 close to you own age blogs. She’s a sweetheart and may have some advice.
Don’t be a stranger. You commented and as such you are now a participating member of this community.
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Thank you for your reply, Dan. It does mean a lot. I’ve thought about this a lot since your post. I truly believe my husband is not good at expressing feelings at all. I don’t know if that is the typical male thing, but he rarely expresses feelings unless it is a matter of fact thing. So, when he ‘blew me off’ it could’ve been that he simply couldn’t express himself.
I understand that I own my own feelings… I truly get that. I’ve been in a learning process over the past year after the realization that I’ve been so co-dependent on my husband — doing anything and everything to make him happy, and then resenting him for all my efforts when I’m not happy after all the effort. Things on my front have gotten better, and more healthy… but the funny thing is that I’ve realized how much I need sex & physical touch in general, while realizing that I think he would be happy with once a month. (Not a fun position for a girl). I’ve tried lingerie, going to bed naked, talking/asking him questions…. I get mixed signals. Just when I thought, “oh, the lingerie is what works!” then he can’t … well, he can’t perform. Just this morning I was thinking about this post, and I decided to get dressed in front of him… when he saw me he looked away and his face looked disgusted. I had only taken my shirt off so far, and he actually just left the room at that point.
So, as far as feeling as though I should “share myself visually” to my husband…. I think my husband would rather not see me at all. I think I look quite good for having 4 babies in a 6yr period. I’m 30lbs heavier than our wedding day, but so what! I have a chest that most women would die for, and while my tummy is still not tight, I still have a waist and hips. I feel confident that my body will be better in a year or so, but going through this with having him look disgusted at me, well, I just don’t think it is a situation that you are normally referencing. Most men want sex. Most men want to see the female body — and you say, they want to see their wife’s body. Most men are not my husband.
Yes, I’ve noticed him look at other women. Mainly b/c he’s mentioned one imparticular and how attractive she is and how he can’t recommend her ‘practice’ to his friends for fear that it would make his friends’ wives jealous. I don’t find this woman attractive at all but I guess that is what he wants. Yes, she is thinner. And the wife of one of one of his good friends.
I do realize the double standard, of how women should work so hard to keep our man interested while he can let himself go (my husband has gained 35lbs since our wedding) and not get any flack for it. I enjoy trying to look good for my husband — I really do. I want him to WANT ME. But honestly I think that is the cross I will have to bear in this marriage. There are worse things in the world. But I do have to say, I completely understand why people cheat and why someone could so easily stray. If someone else looked at me with desire and ‘chased’ me b/c they were attracted to me…. I can just understand now.
I’m sure I’m doing things wrong and not giving him what he needs, but believe me that I do try to do things he likes and I compliment him and I do things to show respect. I just think he is a very low-sex drive person, and he doesn’t feel a need to connect on any sort of emotional level. Sharing your body (to me) is very vulnerable and very emotional when you have that connection. For us (or me), it seems to have become just sex now but I think I crave more hoping it will be more of an emotional connection… that just isn’t there.
Wow. Is that depressing? Hopefully someone else can get something from this b/c I think I’ve rambled!!!
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Abby,
I’ll be praying for you. When I had my children, my body changed too. It’s normal. Hopefully your husband will see the true beauty in you. I already see it in your writing from one comment. Hang in there sister.
Do you know what kind of love language speaks to his heart? My hubby loves when I do acts of service. We run a construction business together and I work for him all day long. Win, win. Have you taken the 5 love language test yet? That might be beneficial to both of you.
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That actually made me smile. Yes, we did the love languages thing a long time ago, but I need to redo mine. I think mine are actually different than before. It’s funny, but I was actually taught growing up that you have to earn love by doing things for people — nothing else. Now, being married, I realize how that isn’t even my language, either. My husband was a ‘words of affirmation’ and ironically, ‘physical touch’. I try to affirm him but need to work on doing that more. Obviously, I have been working on the later one, but it is a little more tricky than it seems.
Thank you for your kind response!
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Wow you are a thinker and this was so well written it could be the outline for an entire book. You know that right? I am so comfortable with my husband I never really think about what he sees and often times he will catch me drying off from a shower and I won’t realize I am naked until he comes over to tell me how beautiful I am. In that moment I am shy…still…and I become self conscious because after 25 years I realize he still looks at me. Thank you for writing this!
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Thank you for your kind words. I’ll have to type this fast as my expanding head is a wanting to take up all the room in the comment box.
Hasty, it was like pulling teeth for the first 3 (yes I said three) weeks as I would go back and forth with it. I was so concerned about sounding “typically” male, self-serving and lacking in empathy. See my reply to our mutual friend and all around good guy Trent.
I am so glad to hear of your total comfort with being nude with your husband in the light of day. He’s a blessed man. I think it’s really quite charming that you can experience a bit of that shy feeling. It says to me that there is still some of the girl in the woman, which means there is still mystery, and mystery is both intriguing and exciting. What man doesn’t’ appreciate those qualities in his wife?
Thank you for adding your perspective and personal story to our community. “Our” meaning yours too now. A comment takes you from an observing member to a participating member. Hopefully all members will share at a time right for them. This blog needs the dialog and perspectives those comments provide; otherwise, I may as well shut this down. If you read my purpose statement, you know this is the raison d’être for this blog. It’s about us, not just my blatherings which are intended to get the dialog started. Thus the final question above the comment box: “So what do you think?”
Thanks for letting us know.
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“First we LOOKED. Then we listened. I don’t know of any man who first listened with his eyes closed while he decided whether or not to invest time in establishing a relationship.”
I love that you make no apology for “harsh truths” — Men are visual … more so than women; it’s just the way it is. It’s not my Darrell’s fault, God created him that way.
Awesome writing Dan! Keep it up!
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I’m trying SR. Remember about three weeks back when I told you how concerned I was about this post? Yesterday it became my most viewed post in a single day. Today it was my second in a single day. Sometimes you get the bear. 😀
Too much PC means too little truth. The truth doesn’t have to be cruel or without mercy, Christ showed us that. But, it does have to be told. I am not the arbiter of all that is true, but there are truths I do know. And one of them is I am so thankful for your friendship, support and encouragement. I want to thank BD1 too for “sharing” your caring with me.
Darrell is a blessed man to have you as his wife and I’m certain he feels the same toward you. You kept the light shinning for him to see when he the scales fell from his eyes. You’re a good wife and sister in Christ.
1 Corinthians 7:14,16
14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife…16 How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband?
How? Because a prayer warrior never yields.
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Well ty BD, – just to clarify … we do fall – we just never yield LOL! You can tell when I’m fighting from the ground … I don’t post on my blog … just safer for my family!
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As one sinner to another, you don’t have to clarify to me about falling. Done it. Still do it. But YOU don’t yield. Check your mail for a follow up.
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hahahaha, ty for that!!
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So glad I had a 630 a.m. promise to a young lady this morning so I had more time than usual to read, read and read some more. As always my friend, you have given me some things to think on. Having been happily divorced for 8 years now, I am not in this position (no pun intended) at the moment. However, as you know, my relationship of nearly 3 years just ended and I have learned a lot about me in this area with still far to go, but I am a willing student.
I had began a change of lifestyle, for the better, just prior to him making an appearance in my life. Food, exercise, a new doctor, the whole gamut of self care, including my spiritual plane. I was walking through an abundance of emotional pain back then after more loss in my life and felt as though I would not survive those storms.
After a few months of seeking wisdom from not only my doctor, but also my fellowship, the changes within were astounding. Soon after these self revelations and transformations took place, my confidence rose, the fog soon dissipated and my life began to smooth out. This is when I lowered that wall of protection and I started to blossom. As the healing became apparent on the insides, my outsides reflected the growth. Enter new man, stage left, front and center.
I remembered the first man I dated some 8 years prior (yes, the ink wasn’t even dry on the big “D” papers yet, but that’s another topic) telling me once, “self consciousness is very unattractive.” That stayed with me from that moment on. I am secure enough to say, I am not a strain on the eye, but coming from a past of a degrading, belittling home, where an overtly learing step father resided, I learned to be invisible. (another post for me to explore and get out of me on my blog, yes I realize)
Having taken the lessons from that first relationship in my newly single life with me to present day, has kept me in a positive mindset. I only dated 2 other men between that first and this last one, partly because I don’t “put myself out there”, but mainly because now I trust in The Lord to present the right man to me today. Upon turning my will and my life over to the care of God, I prayed to Him, revealing just how broken my picker is and I quit seeking.
When my relationship entered a new level of true intimacy, I discovered more about myself than I ever imagined was inside of me. I continued to keep my healthy lifestyle in the physical realm. In fact, this wonderful man was into fitness as much as I, so when he introduced a new routine, I reluctantly tried it. That was 1 year ago and it has become another part of my spiritual plane that my life depends upon. Praise him and God for bringing me to it!
Ok, I have taken up a lot of room here, but that’s what this community is all about, so thank you Dan for your wisdom and caring! One very important key element I am taking from this is, I must continue to examine my self worth as well as self respect on a different magnitude. Without getting into all of that because I know you are well aware of which I speak.
Devotion is key, marriage is the answer. I will wait on The Lord and trust in Him.
❤
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S2-We MUST talk later about the fitness thing. And other stuff.
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lol, you got it!
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MUST we? ha, absolutely…Hold on. Was that to me? It isn’t lined up with my short novel and without a greeting I am second guessing. hmmm (lol)
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“Ok, I have taken up a lot of room here, but that’s what this community is all about…”.
You bet it is. Talk until you’ve said all you want or need to say. You are part of this community.
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Praise God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My strings are long……………….
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i believe, for women, there comes a point where they just have to choose to believe their husband when he says she is beautiful and he is attracted to her body. i do believe in God. i do believe in prayer. but i’ve seen women manipulate all that and still come out not believing they are beautiful.
bottom line … if your husband believes you are beautiful, imo, it is a sin if you choose not to believe him b/c, in a very real sense, you are calling him a liar.
for most women it is not a comfortable place to believe they are beautiful, which is why i firmly believe it must be a conscious choice to believe their husband.
(i’ve not been reading the comments, so i have no idea if this has been touched upon or not already.)
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I absolutely agree that you do have to choose to believe your husband in this. You either agree with his comments that he sees something he likes when he looks at you or you are in essence calling him a liar.
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Very true, Melissa and Ame. Not only are we disappointed that you don’t see your own beauty as we do, but we can become irritated that you doubt our sincerity when we tell you how absolutely stunning you look to us. Don’t protest too much, please.
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Melissa – this topic came up years ago when i had my first blog … probably 8 or 9 years ago. i noticed so many wives feeling insecure about their bodies when their husbands were telling them how much they LOVED their bodies. the wives weren’t buying it. and for some reason, i just ‘saw’ it and called them out on it. it was powerful when they simply chose to believe they were who their husbands stated they were. and it’s been awesome believing it in my own marriage now (we’ve been married coming up on 7 years 🙂 ).
i just think there are some things in life we must simply choose. yes, i totally believe in God and prayer and the Bible. but even then, we have to choose to believe.
it is a gift we give our husbands when we simply choose to believe we are the beautiful, alluring, sexy wife they say we are REGARDLESS of what we think of ourselves or what we think we see when we look in the mirror OR what anyone, ANYone else says. we have to choose to believe our husbands. period. the end.
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“We have to choose to believe our husbands, period, the end” indeed. If only you could see yourselves the way we do. Paul had it right. You can cause us to burn with desire, and not only sexual desire but the desire for your emotional warmth and support. Your presence nurtures our bodies and souls. For this and so much more, you are perfectly created by God.
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Ame –
It is a gift and not just for our husbands, but for ourselves as well. How can we be that beautiful, alluring, sexy wife if we don’t believe we can? We can’t. This impacts the physical and emotional intimacy in our marriage. WDawg and I will be married 27 years next month. Even though we have had a good marriage for a long time, the last four years have seen an incredible amount of growth in our relationship. Some of this is at the heart of it.
It is a choice and when you really get down to it, should anyone else’s opinion matter to us the way our husband’s should? No.
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“should anyone else’s opinion matter to us the way our husband’s should? No.”
i was told once … regarding a different issue, but it certainly applies here … that i don’t need to take a vote of all my girl friends everytime something comes up. that piece of wisdom slapped me upside the head, b/c i used to do that all.the.time. and it was hard to get away from that. we females are sooo influenced by our friends at every age.
“It is a gift and not just for our husbands, but for ourselves as well.”
Y.E.S!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 … it gets so much fun after we let go of all those lies and just let ourselves go free w/our man! again … this is a very hard place to get to, but once there … ooooo la la!!! 😉
congratulations on 27 years! we’re probably pretty close to the same age, then 🙂
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Ame
When you talked about the freedom we can have and how it can be a “very hard place to get to” I was reminded of something Dan wrote :
“This is my beautifully created body; the vessel that contains my essence and my energy; the creation of an omniscient God. Absent it, I have no worldly presence. It is the divine cradle of my sensual being and sexual pleasure and both are approved of God. They are of his creation. There is no shame or sin in God; therefore, I bear no shame for that which God has placed within me as His creation and purposed for my Biblically prudent use.”
The rest of that post is located Here:
Fully internalizing this, we should not neglect this little, but very important sentence –
“Absent it, I have no worldly presence.”
Which very practically means that the body we have this very minute is all and at once entirely plenty that we have to show love to our husband. When we put that with the principal of not just saying we love someone, but acting for their benefit we realize the imperative of getting beyond our own likely imagined inadequacies.
1 John 3:18 NLT
18Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions.
It does not matter so much what we have or even what we think we lack, but it matters entirely what we do with what we have. Not perfection, but the effort alone will likely be a source of joy and delight for both. (As you say “ooooo la la”.) I am in no way saying that journey is easy. I am saying it is important to begin to take those baby steps. When we have those moments of doubt, we have to rely on God’s truth instead of our feelings.
As for my age, I’m in my mid-forties. Yes, my husband and I married young.
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Melissa – thank you for your sweet comments … and that great quote from Dan.
i’m a bit older than you at 51, but I’ve experienced this both ways. my first husband had many issues and addictions and, quite simply, didn’t want me. it was so hard b/c I had an incredible body back in those days and would do anything he desired, but his desires were elsewhere, and no matter what I tried to give him, it wasn’t me he wanted. I could never understand it, but I had to face and accept many harsh truths.
the man i’m married to now absolutely loves and adores my aged and battered and chunky body. I don’t understand it, but I’ve learned (most of the time) to accept it. when I begin to feel insecure again, he builds me back up. it’s a beautiful miracle when it’s like this. but it’s living hell when it’s like it was with my first husband.
btw – i’m all for marrying young. I know not everyone supports that, but I do. there’s something sweet and pure and precious about marrying young and building your lives together. my first husband and I married young at 21 and 23, and I will probably always lament, at least in some small corner of my soul, what could have been if … . we were married 20 years.
and I just have to tell you … you are a beautiful writer. I love reading your words for the joy of reading beautifully written prose.
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Dan –
“Not only are we disappointed that you don’t see your own beauty as we do, but we can become irritated that you doubt our sincerity when we tell you how absolutely stunning you look to us. Don’t protest too much, please.”
i think what broke my heart the most was watching the husbands. they would sincerely compliment their wives, they sincerely believed with all of them she is beautiful, and yet their wives flat-out chose to NOT believe them. it’s some kind of false humility that we, as women, have bought into … some twisted lie that says if we believe we’re beautiful, we’re full of pride.
but truth and pride are as opposite as forgiveness and trust. they just don’t even exist on the same plane.
so when our husbands tell us we’re beautiful, that they love our naked bodies, that they want to see and watch and delight in our nakedness, i firmly believe we are sinning against our husbands and God if we choose to believe anything different.
and … i totally get the abused thing … i was by my dad and others.
but in the sanctity of our marriage, in our marriage bed, it’s almost a spiritual kind of holiness where sex and our nakedness are to be celebrated and relished and enjoyed! it demeans our husbands if we believe his judgement about our beauty is a lie. it says we don’t value their discernment or ability or wisdom … or their masculinity.
and while it takes some getting used to, imo in this overly sexualized, photo-shopped, comparing everything, world we live in, we have to consciously reject all the lies and consciously choose the truth … that if our husband says we’re beautiful, we are. the end. nothing else. no ‘buts’. nothing.
and we need to give our husbands the gift of allowing them to delight in our nakedness and our bodies.
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These three statements are at the heart of three posts I have been drafting on and off for the last few months but cannot find the time or heart, currently, to finish. One of them is Part 3 of the Oral Sex series. You’ll find I do a lot of series. Most don’t begin as a series but my posts seem to have a habit of writing themselves until they have said all they need. Sometimes it is the comments that create the need for an additional post on a given topic. I have no shortage of ideas for topics, just a shortage of time to do the writing. And I love the writing.
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“I have no shortage of ideas for topics, just a shortage of time to do the writing. And I love the writing.”
ahhh, the plagues of a writer 🙂
since i haven’t read a whole lot of your blog yet, i was a bit concerned i might have been touching on something you’ve already thoroughly covered. i’m thankful to know that i haven’t … and that i haven’t overstepped my boundaries, esp as someone new out here.
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Song of Solomon 4:7 — All beautiful you are, my darling, there is no flaw in you.
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i needed that this week 🙂
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It was a quote I somehow missed including in this post and had gone back to update it. I remembered there being somewhere else it was needed and finally found your comment. I’m glad providence intervened and it is giving you some comfort and peace, Ame.
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Dan – i don’t want to hijack your blog … but this happens to be something i’m very passionate about. so feel free to delete this if i’ve gone too far.
i think that women sometimes need the permission … from another woman … to believe their husbands b/c often it goes against everything we’ve been taught … but it’s also everything we’ve longed for, and i mean, deeply with every fairy-tale fantasy ever, longed for but never truly believe it would happen to me … so that when we are given this gift from our husbands, we don’t think we deserve it.
and since we women are so emotionally based, we cannot trust our emotions to tell us the truth. sheesh, one day we can look in the mirror and think we’re hot … then overnight our hormones change, or we hear something, or we perceive that we hear something, and the next day we’re crying inside when we look in that stupid mirror.
so we have to take our feelings out of it … and we have to take out how we’ve been taught … and we HAVE to take out what others, especially other women, say/think … and make a conscious choice to simply believe our OWN husband. just b/c our friend’s husband likes her whatever-it-is-that-i-don’t-have, does not mean it’s important to MY husband. we’ve just got to stop it. just stop! and simply choose to believe our husbands.
this is a hard transition, esp for some … some of us have been abused, molested, told lies, compared relentlessly to something we’ll never obtain w/out some serious plastic surgery. we have to choose to believe these are lies, deny the lies, and choose the truth.
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Not too far at all. It’s the community that makes this blog work and I have an excellent one. No one is here by chance or coincidence. Very few people know the depth of the truth behind that statement but this community is selectively grown. That doesn’t mean all here agree with me at all times. That would not be in keeping with the purpose of this blog. The dissension creates an opportunity to demonstrate how different we all are and to foster an understanding that will help to maintain and grow relationships between the sexes, in or out of marriage. Feel free to add to the discourse, but do be tolerant and polite as much as possible. Please and thank you are welcome and don’t forget to use your indoor voice. 🙂 Time for me to hit the sack. I have church and work tomorrow. Feel free to carry on without me and I’ll try to catch up later.
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In reply to Ame’s comment April 24, 2016 @5:40 pm
Ame –
It really is a great quote from Dan. It is powerful truth so eloquently stated. I had already internalized these things by the time I found this blog, but it has been an important reminder for me. Thanks, Dan 🙂
Like in your marriage, my husband has shown and continues to show me the beauty he sees in me. I agree.”It is a beautiful miracle when it happens like this.” We are so blessed to have husbands who minister to us in this manner. I have found that the longer I have believed him, the easier it gets. His words and love have changed me so completely.
You say “he absolutely loves and adores your aged and battered and chunky body.” Perhaps he sees you as being perfectly vintage (They don’t make ’em like they used to ya’ know.), with a lovely patina, and having generous curves he loves. I’m not talking about being a spin doctor, but about the way two people legitimately see the same thing differently. I think granting this potential difference in perspective is where trusting and believing a husband begins.
I’m sorry your ex could not see all you had and offered. I can’t begin to imagine how heartbreaking that was.
I am glad though that you were able to move on from that hurtful situation and enjoy what sounds like the good marriage you now have.
As for marrying young – We would do that again without hesitation, but knowing what we know now, there are some things we would do differently. Isn’t life always like this?
I’m glad you enjoy my writing. Your kind compliment made my day 🙂
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Ha. How about when your husband says, “Your boobs are hot, but you need to lose your belly.” And then he asks for a striptease? LOL. Like that’s ever happening after a comment like that.
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First, Let me say I’m glad to see you were able to begin with “Ha” and add LOL I used to work in advertising photography decades ago. The photographers will let the ad agency client play around for hours with getting the product, props and setting just so. Then we would shoot some Polaroids to have some idea of how the product would render on film. Once everyone seemed satisfied and we were ready to pull the trigger on the final photo series, we would tell them. “Last looks.” They were being put on notice that what they were then seeing was all they were going to get.
I think you should have done the striptease and as you dropped your blouse and reached for your bra hooks you should have exclaimed, “Last look.”
I truly am sorry he was so insensitive. If he’s ever nude in front of you in the future, tell him he certainly is girthy for being surprisingly short. But then, that would be insensitive in a passive-aggressive way. Oh, heck. Do it anyway. LOL
Thanks for stopping by. Don’t be a stranger. We can always use more comments on the blog.
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“He has said that I “look nice” a few times (again, it would be less than 10 times) during our marriage (and always when I’m clothed, never when showing my body) but nothing else to indicate that he finds me visually appealing.”
I purloined this from elsewhere obviously. What I find problematic here is you want to not only hear from him that you are beautiful but you want to feel beautiful too. He can certainly do the first, for you but he cannot do the second in a way that will be deeply meaningful to you. You need to find that within yourself.That doesn’t mean he can’t play a significant and necessary part, but I sense you are not prepared to believe him if he does say it. You seem to have your reasons and you are allowed to feel as you do, but until you are willing to believe him, his mentions will be ineffective.
Part to the challenge is you are all too ready to allow his visual nature to dominate the problem and not “hear” is feelings. I would concede that we all believe in what we do and not what we say as being proof positive of our feelings. But, particularly in family and other personal relationships, we all know good people who sometimes do appalling things, minor and major. He made a mistake in his deeply cutting remark about your stomach. I am not at all defending him. I would point out that he also said you boobs were hot. That tells me in spite of his totally ill-considered gaffe, what he does see he “feels” is beautiful, “hot” even. He does see you as beautiful but not in a way that works well for you.
I would wonder if his life before you was devoid of compliments; from his parents, family members, peer group, employers, friends and the like. Not having received many, he may not be in the habit of giving them out. There are many social graces that have to be learned and developed outside of the typical avenues for some people. Kindness and caring may have been atypical in his upbringing. Think of all the boys who answer yeah and okay to their parents and others in authority. If they do a stint in the military, you can’t get them to shut up with “sir, yes sir, no sir “mam, yes ‘mam and no ‘mam.” It became part of their culture. Perhaps considerate observation and mention have not been a consistent part of his.
I know you don’t want to hear responsive, knee-jerk compliments that will not feel sincere but he just may need help on developing his observing and mentioning. Would something like this work in that direction when applied to various domestic and relationship issues:
YOU- “How do I look?”
He responds.
YOU- “Thank you. I a)always value your opinion, b)like pleasing you, c)was worried about the color, d)wanted to feel sexy.” Try something that will draw more out of him than just okay or yes/no.
I am in no way saying you need to do all the work in this, but I am saying what ever has been tried to this point was ineffective and I don’t see him unilaterally seeing the need for change. He will need help. I can tell you I have been there. I have to make a conscious effort to remember to compliment my wife on so many things I appreciate but have come to expect as just part of the package that is her. The danger here is a spouse will likely come to feel unappreciated and taken for granted if nothing changes. Making a habit of being aware and making comments or giving compliments will feel artificial at first, but then we begin to look for reasons to say something that is not prompted by guilt and those comments become based a sincerity that is deeply felt.
Give it a try. It beats how you are feeling now and I know from my own experience he needs the help. He’s the only one who doesn’t see that. You see it but are frustrated trying to affect change and feeling you are the only caring to do so.
FYI You are allowed to disagree and tell me why I’m full of stuff. If you read much here you will see that when they do appear, I do not take down comments that disagree or take me to task. Sometimes I reply, other times I let our community thrash it out.
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